Games
Cheating
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Sports spawn a plethora of problems including:

  • Wastes energy on adolescent activities
  • Wastes money purchasing tickets and memorabilia
  • Wastes money funding athletic programs in schools
  • Wastes money betting on losers -- including yourself
  • Distracts students away from academic studies
  • Destrupts social harmony by fomenting rivalrousness
  • Perpetrates gambling and other criminal activity
  • Requires violent physical contact causing injuries and death
  • Produces pungent sweat, saliva, and other body fluids
  • Causes eye strain and brain damage by watching it too much
  • Causes jock itch, foot fungus, diaper rash, and yeast infections
  • Causes mouth and throat cancer from chewing tobacco
  • Causes illness and disease from steroid abuse
  • Players rape and kill their friends and family members
  • Players will eventually become losers no matter what.
  • Converts players into perverts playing with their balls and jock straps
  • Same-sex teams discriminate against the opposite same-sex teams

 
Before It's News | People Powered News

Fans

  Fans are soley responsible for the scourge of sports in society. It is their money that supports the entire industry, and it is their over-exuberant zeal that makes it seem interesting and attracts others to become new fans. Their guilt is proven beyond a shadow of doubt so we can blame it all on them. They are the culprits behind this ongoing worldwide criminal enterprize andmust be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law — and then some. There's no need for a trial because no judge or jury can be trusted to adjudicate the crime, because almost everyone on the planet is also a fan.

            The term fan is short for fanatic, and that's exactly what sports fans are; radical, fanatical animals who sold their godforbidden souls for two tickets to the super bowl. They take the word fun very seriously — like the fun in fundamental extremism. Sports fans are maniacal disciples who idolize Mike Tyson and OJ Simpson. With the utmost religious zeal their loyal devotion to supercedes all else, and their sacred mission in life is to watch as many games as they can during waking hours, and dream about the players as much as humanly possible while asleep.

The stadium is their grand cathedral where they flock en masse to pay homage to the God of Games. According to the tenets of their creed the only way they can stay alive is to attend live games. It's simple logic, they say. So great is their faith that they arrive early before each game to participate in a time-honored trailor trash tradition known as the Tail Gate Party. It's a festive celebration where the congregation gathers in the parking lot to eat grilled meat and drink cheap beer here, because it's too expensive to buy inside. Subsequent to the feast they all vomit and pee. Then into the epic arena they march like a procession of sheep after being charged a hefty fee to see what smart people can see for free on TV in the comfort of their home.

Towering high above the playing field tiered seating is arranged in a circular configuration forcing fansto face each other from across opposite sides so that the frenetic feedback of their combined minds generates a synergetic psychokinetic vortex effect that swirls around the circumfrance building up pressure to a fever level until it reaches the bleachers and releases an explosive outburst of mass hysteria by the cheering crowd who are overcome with extreme exultation. They are elevated into a perfect state of ecstasy and bliss — before running off to the restroom to take piss.

Wheras ball parks and colloseums are major league monuments that draw fans on pilgramages to the sporting Mecca, sports bars are rather like humble littlechapels where even the villiage idiot feels welcome. It is a neighborly place where televised games are always on screen. Most have pool tables, dart boards, pinball machines, and video games. Some even have a bowling lane. And of course they all have a deck of cards and a set of dice handy. These pubs are the heart and soul many communities all over the world. It's the favorite place for friends meet on any given day, mainly because there's nowhere else to go in the boondocks. On cold winter nights folks share good times in a cozy corner booth with the warmth of kindred spirits -- of the alcoholic kind. But don't be fooled by the modest facade. Whenever there's a big game on these bars come to life and turn into hot and sweaty pigpens, over-crowded with a bunch of dumbass drunks, horsing around like rowdy cowboys all hollering out loud, yelling and screaming obscenities, as they root for their team not to lose once again. The place stinks with the collective accumalation of farts and bad breath of at least 10 men, with no air conditioner or fan — except the hot air blowing kind.

The stereotypical sports fan is a belligerent bastard

Losers

         One of the main problems with Sports is that it creates a culture of losers. At the end of the season, out of all of the teams and players, only a few are winners. The rest are all pathetic losers. No matter how big and strong they are, when they lose each and every one of them is despised by the cheerleaders, and must suffer the degradation and humiliation of being booed by tens of thousands of angry spectators. Their stupid strikeouts, idiotic errors and foolish fumblesand fowls are witnessed by millions every week from coast to coast on national television, and there's nowhere to hide. Viewers suspect that lucky touchdowns and home runs are probably rigged in order to make the game less boring. If the plays were authentic nothing interesting would happen and no one would watch, so the games need to be rigged The audience expects players to entertain them with their professional athletic abilities, if they don't viewers wonder why. They only remember the mistakes because it really takes the maximum degree of incompetence to actually lose.

Losers are hated so much that they hope and pray some way to escape the shame. The unbearable stress of having countless disgusted fans focusing their intense rage directly upon them all at once, like a white hot laser burning a hole through their psyche and inflicting painful emotional knife wounds, leaving them ruined and alone in a dejected state of despair. Such is the life of a typicall athlete, giving up everything for a fleeting flirt with fame, sacrificing their soul for a passing glance at glory, and losing it all because of one stupid ball.

The mega-agony of defeat far outweighs the quick & cheap thrill of victory, yet millions of youngsters still aspire to play sports But their determination to achieve success only leads to failure and the inevitable feeling of worthlessness. In the final analysis all sports players are losers. Even the winners are losers because what they win is the loss of there dignity.

Sports Reports

                     Sportcast related disease (SRD) is transmitted just like a sexually transmitted diseases (STD) is, except for the fun part. They spread over the air on bands of electromagnetic frequency waves. But that technobabble means nothing. The real problem is the little man behind the curtain at the broadcast station, known on TV as the Sports Reporter, and on radio as the Disc Jockey (dickshitus-jockitchicus). A general term that covers both types is Sports Announcer (SA). The stereotypical SA is not only a bloviaing windbag, but also a pompous prick, and an obnoxious snob who only got the job because they talk non-stop and can't shut up. They chose that career not just to disgust us hearing them bluster and boast from coast to coast, but mostly from an uncontrollable urge stemming from a obsessive-compulsive disorder known as Sports Announcers Syndrome (SAS).

The disease would have gone undetected if not for the pioneering psychological research of Sigmund Freud (no relation to Pink Floyd). Fresh out of medical school but still in frat-boy mode Dr. Freud discovered the strange psychosis intuitively when it was revealed to him as an apparition during a cocaine-induced wet-dream. It seamed like a good idea at the time, but when he awoke he changed his mind and decided that it was just a bizarre delusionary hallucination -- and precursor to madness. So he strapped on a straight-jacket and committed himself. After months of shock theory and a double-lobotomy it was evident  that he misdiagnosed the case, and that his fantastical vision was true after all. Both his neurosurgeon and the head janitor concured, and he was forthwith released from the asylum to resume his research. Freud went on to enjoy a long and illustrious career until he claimed that, "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar". He was then ostracized from the medical profesion, mocked and shunned by peer groups, repudiated, excommunicated, expelled, exiled, and banished into obscurity. Rumor has it that he was also tarred and feathered on his way out.

Freud's theory in relation to Sports Announcers works like this: The syndrome revolves around two primal fetishes, the oral (mouth), and phallic (penis). The phallic fetish is naturally fixated to the microphone (affectionately name "Mike", or mic for short). Sexual perversions are a taboo so the SA prefers a closet-like space (studio) in which to work in -- or jerk in. The roots of SAS are so deep-seated because most of his life is spent with his mouth within an inch or two of the microphone. Sometimes his lips touch it and his saliva drools on it. The love of his job includes loving his mic, and the corellation between that penis-shaped object of his desire in conjunction with the love of his job makes him want to give his microphone a blow job. The bonding development of the two doubles in strenghth every year until it literally becomes a full blown personal relationship. But since the mic is not a real person it can't commit to a monogamous partnership. It can be picked up, turned on, and talked into letting anyone stick in their mouth or up their ass anytime they want without the liest bit of resistance. It freely submits to any affair with no strings attached, only a long rubber cable that stretches across the floor and plugs into the input hole of someone, or something, else.

The intense pain of betrayal causes such emotional distress that frustrates him beyond measure, and it begins to show. His friends and coworkers notice his strange behavior and suspect the worst. He watches them from the corner of his eye as they whisper among themselves. His paranoia makes him think that they know all about his dirty little secret and they hate him for it. And he in turn hates them back twice as much. He is hyper-sensitive to any form of criticism because his public persona is as fragile as Humpty Dumpty. He assumes that they circulate comments all over the internet making him the laughing stock of the industry. So he withdraws into his little booth and covers his ears to block out the jeers of contempt and derision by the hecklers who tease him about his perversion. He thinks that it's none of their business but it's everyone's business because he's a public figure, and his depraved disposition makes him all the more interesting as a gossup topic. He's a spectacle worthy of ridicule and fully deserves the cruelest punishment possible. Not only is he a disgrace to the human race he is also the carrier of a dangerous contagion.

As the host of the show and the progenitor of the disease it all starts inside his sick mind where depraved thoughts go through his brain and are translated into play-by-play coverage of the game. Each word spits out of his mouth like a sperm cell that goes viral as soon as its sound is heard by the microphone, at which point it becomes what is known as active Signal (sigfroydus-analus) named of course after the great Sigmond Freud, who incidently, another psychotic disorder was named after: Schizoid (sigfreud). The signal exits through the opposite end of the mic and is carried by copper wires at the X rated hard core of the cord, all the way down to the end where it is ejaculated from the output jack + and enters the input jack - on the backside of the engineers control panel. As soon as it penetrates the inner circuitry electricity, also known as juice, amplifies the Signal with voltage and sends it shooting like molting lava to high atop the transmitting tower where pulsing power beams the diseased seads out from the head of the antenna and releases them on the air waves. The sperm-like signals continue their journey instictivly drawn to the spawing ground in search of fertile minds to impregnate. When they finally reach the radio recievers and unsuspecting listeners tune in to pick up the signal their ears will suck in the seedy sound of the Sportcaster and swollow it down and plant it in their mind. Then they too will be infected with the disease.

Remember, the origin of the SA pathogen is his love of sports which goes viral when his orifice (mouth) comes within close proximity of a penis (microphone). The sexual perversion effect is also active in other areas of the Sports problem where the oral/phallus fetish is involved such as eating a ballpark frank, or sipping a drink through a straw. The phallus symbol alone is spreads perversion when a player hold a bat, and even when an umpire hold one finger erect and cries, "Ball One"!.

Sports Reporters in the print media are at least as evil as their broadcast counterparts, and probably more so because they have been spreading their bile around society way longer than Sportscasters have. And Sports Writers often write what the Sports Announcers say. What they write is less like journalistic reporting and more like ad copy that promotes sports. They're the ultimate monday morning quarterbacks, reviewing the old news games that everyone saw, second-guessing the players and coaches, saying what they woulda, coulda, shoulda done better. When the home team loses a big game and fans lose big bucks, they just want to forget about it and move on. The last thing they want is to read or hear about how bad it was for the following week. But if the team wins then Sports Writer are needed to write positive articles to give fans some sense of happiness in their otherwise pathetic lives.

Like most writers they are physically challenged in a whimpy sort of way. They always wanted to be an athlete but were ridiculed by the jocks and laughed at by the chicks. The closest they could ever get to being part of the team was as a waterboy or lockeroom custodian. They envy the players and resent their superior abilities, that's why they take such pleasure in criticizing every little mistake a player makes. Because no one wants to hear their opinion about how the games are played. most of what they do is write about statistics, as if that matters. Statistics are historical records documenting every tiny detail about each player, each team, and each game. The data was logged on pocket calculators by geeky nerds wearing horn-rimmed glasses in a desperate effort to carve out their own little nitch in the world of sports. Ironically it is they who turned out to be the true sport heros, because gamblers use their stats and math skill to calculate the odds for winning bets.

Games

            For as long as games have been played philosophers and intellectuals have wondered why they are played. Subsequent to centuries of careful deliberation the consensus has concluded that the only rationale is because game playing is the opposite of doing work. It's what young people do before they are competent enough to do actual work. It's what infants do because that's all they're able to do. When babies try to adapt to their new life they are like helpless know-nothing imbeciles, clueless about everything, wrong about most things, and certain about nothing, yet curiously active exploring and absorbing the world around them. Their brains are not fully developed and their little minds are in a pure state of innocent ignorance. Thst is where their love of games starts and that is where it remains until they wise up. As toddlers they start to walk and run, wandering around aimlessly playing with toys instead of getting serious and growing up. Kids don't really want to grow up; they would rather play games than go to work. But they are eventually forced into growing up and getting a job, and they never fully recover from this innocence lost syndrome. From their very first peek-a-boo-I-see you fun play with grandma they thought life was always going to be a game. But it turned out to be a cruel joke when their joy was ripped away by a reality check. The trauma haunts them into adulthood with flashbacks of sentimental nostalgia and a profound desire to return to that carefree time. In an effort to re-live their childhood grown-ups play games and participate in various sports, because those play activities are as close as they can come to matching that infantile feeling.

            For avid players the game represents all that is good in the world. It's their sole source of satifaction and the one reason why they choose to live at all.because it's the only way they will ever find any fulfillment in life. They think that they'll die without it, and they are correct. If they lose the will to live, then so be it. The sad news is that game playing fosters a simpleton mentality, and converts society into a ship of feeble-minded fools sailing down into a sewer. The only lifeboat is to denounce games and shun those who play them.

            The term Game comes from the root words Gay Men , which refers to the long tradition of game playing as a fundamentally homosexual activity. Sportsmen are uncontrollabley attracted to the field of play with other men, then disrobe in the locker room together, followed by naked showers and you can only imagine what else. There's no shame in being a homosexual, it's just that it might be bad for business if all the macho fans found out that their favorite hero was gay. It moght cause them to doubt their own masculinity. That's why some linguists insist the root meaning of Game is Gay Me. So you may also be. If you like games then it's OK. If it's more fun for you to stay in the closet, then make sure you wear headsets so no one hears you watching the game -- unless you play with yourself.

Cheating

            Sports are a just another form of entertainment that needs to attract and hold the interest of an audience so it can sell tickets and advertising. If it's not exciting it's not entertaining, and that's bad for business. The truth is that most sports, especially baseball, are just plain boring. With broadcasters competing for viewers, the pressure to increase the entertainment factor is too great. But there's just no way to make a boring sport entertaining - unless they cheat. Since the dictionary definition of the word cheat is: to deprive somebody of something by deceit, the cheaters justify cheating as depriving fans of a boring game, or to deprive themselves of losing money. Devious-minded cheaters are masters at devising a reason to cheat - and stonewalling investigations of it.

            In a billion dollar industry where millions are lost or won by playing a simple game, do you think the outcome is really just left up to chance? When the stakes are so high that too many unpredictable wins or losses can cause devestating losses to some sectors of the economy, would the industry wrecklessly risk the possibility of accidental self-destruction? If the economic collapse of a big league organization depends on a mere fumble or strike out, doesn't the management have a fiduciary responsibility to intercede and rig the game to prevent it? If the survival of the entire industry is at the complete mercy of fate, determined by the odds of probability and changes in weather conditions, that's certainly not a sound business model. But then Sports people aren't so smart anyway.

            Is it inconcievable that some gamblers who are shrewd businessmen, and in a position to throw a game — or at least do something to alter the final score — might do it in order to cash in? That scenario is well within the realms of possibility. Everyone including people who are directly involved in sports — as players, coaches, and officials, or remotely associated as fans or readers of the sports pages, or members of broadcast media and audiences — have all cheated, or at least thought about cheating at least once in their life. Thinking about cheating is the first step that leads to the development of a plan to cheat, which is the most important step toward cheating because it would be impossible to cheat without it. So it's an undeniable fact that cheating, and plans to cheat, are done by everyone. So the reason why there are laws against cheating is because everyone would cheat if there were no laws against it. Everyone on earth who has ever played a game has either cheated or attempted to cheat, or at least wished they could cheat at some point. Most cheating is done as children, but the urge to cheat is a primal animal instinct coded intof our DNA, and it occasionally resurface s— especially in sporting events where a lot of money is at stake. Most crimes of cheating in sports go undetected either because the cheaters are so good at cheating, or because those who do detect it usually wind up dead.

Despite constant reports about sports scandals, gullible fans keep on betting and losing their money because gambling is an addiction. Gambling addicts still bet even when they know they will lose. The affliction is harder to treat because the term Gambling comes from the root words Game Billing, so gamblers are prone to a hypnotic suggestion that subconsciously forces them to pay a bill for the game in the form of losing a bet. Most sports fans refuse to admit that games are rigged, because they can't accept the fact that the thing they care most about in their life is a just a charade. To realize they've been duped would be too much of a shock. Their emotional bond to sports is so strong that they would live in a state of denial to avoid a total psychotic breakdown. If they knew the truth it would drive them mad. But that's no excuse to deny the truth, because insanity is curable, and sanity is always better than believing in the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, and that sports games are not rigged. Some people who know games are rigged still watch and pretend that it's not rigged. The rigging is so well done that it's easy to forget, and viewers just accept the game as entertainment. Just like movie watchers must pretend the story is real to enjoy it, and they don't spoil the experience thinking about the fact that it's just actors, directors, and production crew. Sports is more a theatrical art than athletic competion. It's no coincidence that athletes are paid millions just like movie stars. Why would anyone pay them just to play a game?

The obsession with sports defies all logic, and marketers know this. They constantly push the envelope and sometimes cross the fine line between action and act-ing. A perfect example is ”pro wrestling”,-formerly known as “studio wrestling”.- an obvious stage show that goes way over the line featuring costume clad steroid-fed adolescent action hero figures performing well-rehearsed routines full of standardized stunts. Though most sports fans are not known for their superior intellects, some fans honestly believe that the sport is not fake, that it's actual wrestling for real-and they bet good money on it to boot. That's not to say those fans are exceedingly ignorant morons, because that goes without saying. Pro wrestling is just the tip of the iceberg. There are many levels of fake sports with varying degrees of transparency and opacity, but as a general rule no one seems to care that it makes a mockery out of sports. This is the strangely surreal effect that sports has on society - and why sports must be banned completely.

Cheaters have always rigged games

Throughout the history of sports there have been many instances of cheating and rigging games. Cheating has been done for a variety of reasons, primarily to get money. There are numerous ways to cheat, from minor to major. It could be a single play, or an entire game. There can numerous people involved, from a single player or referee, to an entire team or league.

One of the first exposed cheating scandals involved the Boston Blacksocks in 1910.

Baseball teams look like prison gangs

Pro Sports

            The main difference between professional and non-professional sports is the amount of money involved, not the level of athletic skill involved. The pros put on the shows in major cities from coast to coast. It's big time entertainment in packed stadiums with national TV broadcasts and large-scale marketing. So the players demand top dollar for exposing their embarrassing mistakes under the booing crowds. The colossal level of humiliation is so great that even a big strong athlete must suffer overwhelming sense of insecurity and shame.

Baseball

           The origin of sport of baseball can be traced back to prehistoric times when a common custom among cavemen was to take turns throwing stones at each other and beating each other over the head with clubs. They thought it was a fun passtime but the tribal elders, who were wisemen because they didn't follow the custom, noticed that it caused severe brain damage which made them too stupid to function as productive members of society. Knowing that they would never give up the custom, the elders convinced the club-swingers that their opponent was too stupid to have a brain in their head, and that the stone was actually their brain, so they should hit the stone with their club. Then they told the stone-throwers to catch the stone when the clubbers hit it. They followed the elder's advise because they were too stupid to think for themselves.

           Billed as “America's Favorite Pastime”, this game is played by almost everyone in America at some point in their life. It's inescapable because such customs are forced upon us and we have little choice but to surrender to the demands of a sick society. The average American lives a life of leisure compared to the citizens of other countries. The consequence of this is a state of perpetual boredom, which is why baseball is so popular. Instead of advancing one's intellect baseball fans become absent-minded couch potatoes who shirk their duties wasting away watching a senseless spectacle and idolizing grown men who play a childish game. This obsessive condition is programmed into them at an early age starting with the wiffle ball and bat, a plastic toy-like version that looks like a regular hardball and bat, but is much lighter so kids can use it. The game of wiffleball helps them learn to play the game of baseball, but before they can graduate to baseball with a hardball, most kids need an intermediary called softball. Softballs are much bigger and softer than hard baseballs, and are less hazardous. Because softball players are so frequently ridiculed and considered wimps by hardball players, the pressure to play hardball pushes them into playing that game. The transition from softball to hardball is perfectly synchronized to correspond with the exact same time as the onset of puberty in their teen years. And that is exactly why baseball causes such deviant perversion in the players.

            There is a hierarchy in the sport of baseball, starting with informal wiffleball and softball games; the next level is the little league for prepubescent adolescents. Then up to the minor league level, for frustrated players too old for little league but too young for the major league. Then finally the highest level is the major league, which is where the players also reach the highest level of stupidity because if they haven't learn how dumb the game is by now then they must be really, really stupid. Like most professional sports the participation process follows a ritualistic cult-like rite of passage. Fortunately most initiates are smart enough to drop out early on. Pro baseball is a bastion of belligerence with foul play on opening day and doping on always on display. The scandal-plagued, steroid-made league of cretins shows up to play after shooting up performance-enhancing drugs.

  Masquerading as a good clean wholesome family-friendly sport, the game of baseball subtly subdues spectators in a mesmerizing hypnotic trance, causing them to lose touch with reality and behave like degenerates, drinking beer and eating processed penis-shaped meat stuck inside a bun with no condom, only condiments — while thinking it's normal. This sport is a cleverly disguised ritual designed to dredge the base instincts from the darkest recesses of the human psyche. Televised teams of grown men prancing around in silly costumes chewing tobacco and spiting it out all over the field.

Umpires- This root of this term is a cross between a dumb emperor and a vampire. This baseball official is a creepy combination of power and fear, always hunched over lurking in the shadows behind the players and dressed in an evil black outfit. He's a mysterious figure with a discreetly low profile until suddenly, he jumps out of nowhere with his big mouth yelling his judgement calls. Players tremble at the site of him because they are at the mercy of his villainous verdicts. One of the so-called “umps” hides behind the catcher at home plate, and both of whom wear lots of padding and face guards just in case a dispute arises between them and the batter. Even though the batter is armed with a bat and has a mighty swing, the umpire has the unfair advantage of having the authority to eject players out of the game. When an umpire makes an unpopular call the noise from the angry crowd usually prompts the coach to get off of his lazy ass and get out of the dugout to argue. Of course he knows it will do no good but he needs to put on a show for the crowd so the fans won't demand his resignation.

Football

The term football is a clever psychological twist on the word foolball. The subiminal linkage of foolishness to the game is designed to develop foolhardy behavior in fans and athletes, which extends throughout society as a whole. To an outside observer this is quite obvious, but those who enjoy the game think that it's an intelligent, though brutal, activity. The fool factor is a necessary component of the sport's business model. As long as everyone's foolish the game will continue with business as usual. But if they start to wise up then it's game over.

            The popularity of Football has a diverse demographic market with mass appeal to a wide range of fan stereotypes. That's because the game is a mixture of entertainment genres—part football, part circus, part Wagnerian opera, and part Keystone Cops scenario.

Referees- The so-called “official” on the field is the referee, the football sport equivalent of the circus clown. These costume-clad bozos always try to steal the show in their striped shirts and knickers, running in circles around the players, blowing whistles and throwing rags. They do nothing but interfere with the game, butting in with their uninvited judgment calls that turn out to be wrong when the instant replay videos are reviewed. That raises suspicions about them cheating with their deliberate mistakes. No one likes them and no one wants them involved in anyway because they're just a nuisance, but they have a union and inside connections with the top brass in the league that created the referee position so they help them rig games and make billions.

Basketball

            Researchers believe that Basketball originated in the 15th century mental institutions when a common form of therapy was basket weaving. There was a case of a patient who was committed for being an ax murderer. Documents reveal that he beheaded the chief psychiatrist at the sanitarium, then instigated a game with fellow lunatics, using their woven baskets as a receptacle in which they took turns throwing the victim's decapitated head into. Thus the game of Basketball was born. Another theory postulates that the term was derived from the root words bastards-all, referring to the predominance of young inner-city fans from fatherless households who are obsessed with shooting the hoops as their ticket to fame and fortune. If they stayed in school and learned a little math they would have known that the chance of even one of them ever making it to the MBA was near zero. Thousands of kids drop out to play the game, encouraged by shoe companies to think that they too can be a sprts star. But instead of the basketball court they end up in criminal court because it was easier to get rich selling drugs than playing basketball.

Hockey

Hockey is a peculiar game with an interesting history as a case study of the psychological twists and turns in the deviated delopment of a sport. It's ancient origin can be traced back to the mountainous regions of Antarctica where the indigenous imbeciles thought it would be wise to imitate the behavioral patterns of cultures in the so-called civilized world. The closest thing they had to a sport was a type of fight they learned from a lost gang of renegade Samurai warriors exiled from Japan who washed up on their shores and started to teach the locals their clever sword tricks until the weapons were confiscated and used to butcher whales. The shame and disgrace suffered by the swordless Samurais drove them to commit hari kari using a walrous tooth. So the home team used wooden sticks instead. They loved beating each othe with the sticks so much that they turned it into a game.But since the only level playing fields were frozen lakes, they were forced to strap on a pair of ice-skates and chase each other around the lake. These first hockey players were merciless savages who really just wanted to flirt with female skaters but faced ridicule when seen skating like sissies. That forced them to defend their manhood in violent rampages, claiming to be playing a new game with an anti-gay name called Hockey, a thrashing, bashing, barbarian battle fest ending in a brutal blood bath. And the proud tradition is still followed to this day.

            The rules of the game are simple: the players skate across the ice whacking and hacking, and falling and crawling in an appalling display of mayhem until they finally reach the penalty box - the famed Chamber of Champions. Meanwhile the rest of the players procrastinate by shuffling a small disc-shaped object called a puck. Due to the scarcety of women in that hemisphere the puck is as close to a fuck that they'll ever get. The puck represents the chance of having sex so they fight over it with hockey sticks, which represent their penises. They beat each other and try to whack the puck into a netted structure called a goal, which represents a vagina. A designated player that guards the goal against the score is called the goalie, who represents the vagina's jeolous boyfriend. He has every reason to be jealous because the goal is always wide open ready and waiting for any Tom, Dick, and Harry's hairy dick.

Soccer

           Soccer was a sport invented exclusively for children under 6 years of age, but was forcefully commandeered by a gang of 9 year old bullies who kept on playing the until they reached adulthood. When it finally dawned on them that they were not kids anymore, they decreed that the ban on adult soccer was null and void, and henceforth adults would assume the mantle of leadership for all things Soccer.

The Agony of Defeat

 

Sports-like behaviors descended from its wild and viscous animal origin. This primitive instinct was so engrained that millions of years of evolution could not remove it. It has been such an integral part of human nature that we even make fun-filled games with it. The term "sports" is the word generally used in reference to these games.

Most sports are competitive—team against team, player against player, and some games even pit the player against themselves in a solitary sport of self-destruction. The net result of all the competition is a dog-eat-dog culture with bitter rivalries, hostility, violence, antagonism, and polarization.

Sports are degenerative diseases that manifest both mental and physical illnesses. The chronic affliction is also more exacerbated by a rowdiness, heavy drinking and gambling during some events.

Golf

            As the growth in popularity of competitive contact sports spread throughout society upper class gentlemen felt left out because they were too wimpy to participate, so the invented the game of golf. Like all sports golf is a senseless sort of activity without merit and with no practical purpose, no social value, or any other redeeming qualities whatsoever. Yet it accurately reflects the lifestyles of its players who are in perpetual pursuit of such pointless passions.

            The term Golf is short for Goofball. This sport was created so physically challenged people could have a game to play. Golfers are the weakest of sportsmen. Their balls are the smallest, and they need a bag full of clubs to fend off their opponents, and so lame they are the only athletes that need a helper to carry their gear during the game. Golfers are rightfully embarrassed in this sport so the games are usually played on golf courses hidden away at private country clubs. Feeling secure among their peers in this secluded environment, golfers can play without worrying about the heckling ridicule they would normally suffer in public. The game was intentionally designed to be the most boring sport ever so it wouldn't attract spectators who would scoff at the attempts of golfers to be athletic. As a gentile breed, sensitive self-conscious golfers quickly break down with the slightest snicker from the audience. Spectators are sparse and prohibited from cheering, hissing, or booing. Comments by the audience and announcer are kept to a whisper and mild clapping only is allowed when the player doesn't screw up too bad.

Boxing

This gruesome sadistic activity is what sports are all about; savage brutality based on anger and hatred. It brings out the worst in human nature, as two men mercilessly punch each other until one of them is declared the loser. Boxing matches are glorified fist fights that take place in a so-called "ring", but it's really a square stage with a rope fence resembling a large playpen. This structure was chosen because most boxers have the mental capacity of an infant, and need the emotional support of a familiar space. Without this comfort zone they cannot function. Prior to entering the ring they walk in covered with a blanket that is worn lke a cape. The large boxing gloves prevent them from sucking their thumbs, which induces frustration, then rage. Boxers are conditioned like Pavlov's dogs to surpress their angst until they explode in violent temper tantrums as soon as the opening bell rings.

Tennis

            Tennis and racketball should be credited for honesty by not hiding the fact that rackets are involved. Or should be condemned for their flagrant display of the rackets' involvement. Racketeers need the racket to play, but since the game is played on a court crooked judges must be in on it too. Tennis matches are not spectacular productions because criminals must be discreet about such operations. The state of Tennesee was named after Tennis, but the sport wants nothing to do with the state of Tennesee.

Pro Tennis is one of the few sports where female players can rise to the highest levels — in terms of their mini-skirts. Yet no one complains about the obvious exploitation because the sport is an Equal Opportunity Employer -- in terms of him having sex with the employees. The rules of the game require women to endure degrees of degradation unsurpassed only by what cheerleaders must endure after a football game trapped in the lockerroom with a sweaty squad of naked players.

Swimming

           Why do people swim, and why do people like to watch swimmers swim? The answers to these questions are disturbing because of the problematic ramifications for society. First there's the animal factor rearing its ugly head again with swimmers trying to become human fish. Failing to grow scales and fins, they wear flippers on their feet in the hope of an amphibious metamorphosis. Scuba divers call themselves “frogmen”, and the Navy even has an elite unit called the “Seals”. But try as they might all attempts to complete the full transformation are to no avail. It's no coincidense that three of the most common swimming techniques are all named after animals; the swan dive, butterfly stroke, and doggy paddle. People swimming underwater resemble a shark or barracuda, sinister-looking fish stalking its prey. This is only natural behavior when there are so many women who, for all intents and purposes, are stark naked. When the predatory swimmer encounters a girls they immediately switch over to doing the breast stroke — until they get arrested for sexual assault.

One peculiar case involving a human-fish metamorphosis gone awry is the well-publicized story about former Olympic Gold Medalist Bruce Jenner. After a lifetime immersed in swimming pools he almost made the transformation into a marine mammal. Actually he only made it halfway to becoming a mermaid, and decided to expedite the process by undergoing some tricky surgical proceedures. The only thing missing now is a tail-fin.

A more troubling factor in regard to the popularity of swimming is the scatological implications, by way of the large volume of human bodily fluids excreted into public swimming pools. Each hour unsavory swimmers urinate and excrete substantial amounts of other bodily fluids such as saliva, semen, blood, phlegm, and especially stole into the pool water. Of course they don't tell anyone but we all know they secretly do it, and they get satisfaction knowing that everyone else is swimming in their slimy bio-waste. Though it may be a relatively small amount that's diluted throughout the main body of water, but even a tiny amount is an intolerable health risk. Even if it is not, but we think that it is, then it really is — due to the placebo effect. That's why the Public Health Departments require mass amounts of chlorine mixed into the pool water. So if swimmers don't die from disease, they'll die from chemical poisoning.

            Most people like to go swimming because it's an easy way to hang out with partially nude members of the opposite sex. For many it's the only chance they'll ever have to get close to partially nude members of the opposite sex. Bikinis are just as revealing as a bra and panties, so why are people shy about wearing only underwear in public? Thus the sex factor is a key component in understanding the popularity of swimming. Which is all well and good, except there's also a dark side to it, a seldom-studied angle that must be illuminated if we are to extricate the roots of evil from which sports problems sprout. We're talking about a standard feature around most public swimming pools and beaches — the lifeguard! Yes, he's everybody's favorite hero on the outside, but what really lurks beneath that bronze build and Speedo briefs? It's hard to imagine such a gross image, but in the pursuit of justice and social sanity we must nevertheless try. To that end we monitored the behavior patterns of these so-called lifeguards and wondered: does he really expect us to believe he does thisjust to save lives? Is he truly concerned at all for the health and safety of swimmers? Or is there an ulterior motive?

            As he sits high upon his perch with binoculars in hand, the beach is crawling with beautiful bikini-clad chicks. He's watching, waiting, hoping and praying for one to drown so he can rescue her. Finally, his prayers are answered when a gorgeous young girl cries for help, flailing her arms as she starts to sink. He dives in headfirst thinking, “Damn the hard penis and pull Speedos off”. He reaches her just in time to save her from drowning so now she owes him, he figures. He grabs her around the waste; it was messy because she couldn't wait to go to the bathroom. Then he gropes her in an undisclosed location. All she wants is to be saved; all he wants is to misbehave. He continues to molest the poor girl while slowly swimming her to shore; she tries to resist his escalating sexual assault. He orders her to submit or else he'll throw her to the sharks, so she surrenders and reluctantly lets him rape her. This whole scenario must have played out at least once in the history of lifeguarding. If not, then surely some lifeguard somewhere must have at least fantacized about having such an experience at one time or another, even if only in a dream. If not, then most lifeguards must be gay, right? The answer is: Yes, lifeguards have indeed done this — or they're gay. It's no surprise because lifeguards are the quintessential swimmers, and that's what this sport does to you.

Racing

Auto Racing

            Ever since the invention of the automobile drivers have been obsessed with need for speed. At first it was a hobby, then it became a job. Juvenile delinquents who shirked their studies and became grease monkeys with no hope for a better life, except as professional racecar drivers. Such delusions of grandeur inspired a generation of drivers, and spawned an industry that would exploit them and milk them for every dime they had. Most came from working class backgrounds across the South in redneck country where racism runs rampant. As racists, this young breed of drivers felt that racing was their cultural heritage and birthright. They immersed themselves in racing with the zeal matched only by Nazi storm troopers.

Despite their steadfast dedication auto racing   by nature is a boring sport to watch; it's just a bunch of loud cars driving around in circles all afternoon. It may be fun for the drivers but no one else is impressed. They needed to make the sport interesting enough for someone to watch, and they found a way quite by accident—literally. They noticed that whenever there was a crash the audience took notice and it got media attention. So they decided to stage crashes to please the crowd, and it worked. Drivers became stunt men as the crashes became evermore sophisticated and entertaining. They refined it to an almost theatrical performance and the popularity of the sport skyrocketed. Fans could care less about the actual race; those loops around the track are used just to set up the crashes. They buy a ticket only to see the crashes because that's all they really care about. The most spectacular crash wins the prize, which is secretly awarded because the authorities don't want car crashing to get too popular in the public domain.

            A natural offshoot of auto racing is the Demolition Derby. It was founded by a team of former drivers who were banned from racing for excessive DUI records. Their dedication to driving was so great that they would not be deterred by mere hardcore alcoholism—the Derby was their destiny! The sport took full advantage of the entertainment value of car crashing, while providing an outlet for the gangs of inebriated drunkards to practice their craft without endangering the public. The sport became so popular that fans started to imitate the Derby drivers on public roadways. Young drivers especially would binge drink then pile into the family car and head for the highway—and to their ultimate death. The upside to problem was that traffic fatalities resulted with an increase in organ donations.

Horse Racing

Horse Racing holds the preeminent position in the Bestiality Sports category. It's heavily influenced by the sick pervasion, far beyond any other animal sex related sport or activity. It makes no apology, in fact they proudly boast about the horse breeding   that goes on behind closed barn doors Champion racehorses are bred from the finest pedigree, called thoroughbreds. Horse breeders are obsessed with these animals. It's not natural and it's not healthy but they get the job done. Because so much concern is focused on the best breeding practices investigators are convinced that humans are directly involved in the process. Why would they trust such a crucial genetic component to a mere horse? Humans are the most advanced mammal species and therefore is the only logical sperm donor to reproduce winning horse. However, bestiality is still a social taboo outside of the Southern states so detailed information is kept confidential

Another disturbing factor in horseracing is the issue of excessive excrement. True, it's a natural body function but what kind of person is attracted to this filth? What is the psychological state of a scat-loving deviant? Researching this problem is punishing because it's such a repugnant subject scientists are recalcitrant about delving too deeply into the matter.

 

Rodeo

This decidedly animalistic sport is a rowdy remnant from the old Wild West with whippersnapper cowboys, cattlemen, and clowns—all assembled in a round ring of detritus and dung. With nothing better to do on a Saturday night drunk and lonely cowpoke flexed their machismo and challenged their fellow herdsman to compete for the worthiness of mating with the choicest livestock. To defend their honor and avoid being labeled sniveling cowards they all agreed to contend—and the Rodeo was born! The contest basically involved the sexual assault and/or rape of livestock, mainly horses and cattle. The involvement of a clown was needed to put a friendly face on such an awful event, and to distract the attention of any children who may be attending. Despite the unspeakable level of violent animal cruelty ranchers considered Rodeos to be good clean family entertainment.

Bullfighting

This sport symbolizes the fight of good against evil, or truth against falsehood. The bullfighter , known as the Matador, represents the good truth, and the bull represents the evil lies (bullshit). The term Matador comes from the root mat at the door , or doormat, suggesting a thing to clean one's shoes after stepping into a pile of bullshit. The symbolism of the sport is as follows: The macho matador is forced to wear a gay outfit that misrepresents him as a homosexual. This is the falsehood that he must defend his manhood against to win the respect and admiration of all the women in the audience. But as costume clad doormat stained with bullshit he has an uphill battle. To make matters worse the matador must tempt the bull by casting a seductive gaze and waving a red cape. The bull symbolizes a horny homosexual in pursuit of having sexual contact with the matador. His sharp horns represent penises that symbolize sexual penetration if they make contact with the matador. Even though a bull rarely strikes a matador, the spectacle of the whole affair indicates that the matadors are most likely gay, but they avoid the bullhorns so as not to be impaled in front of a live audience.

Cock Fighting

With perversion as the defining feature throught all of Sportsdom, is it any wonder that men raise their cocks, stick them in a pit and get extremely excited as the creatures bite and claw each other to death. Bull fights and dog fights are somewhat understandable, but why on earth would anyone be interested in a cock fight? The answer is simple: Because they are the most deprived people in the world. Men who breed cocks for fighting, and cock fight spectators all suffer from impotence or erectile dysfunction. They are very concerned about their loss of manhood, and the ridicule that accompanies such a reputation. So they try to show off their cock power the only way they can. But because they're just stupid folk from the backwoods they don't realize that cock fighting only draws attention to their sexual disability. Closer examination of the average cock fighter reveals that they are sadistic degenerates. Their unforgivable atrocities are heinous crimes against animanity. If captured they will be summarily tortured and euthanized by the Humane Society and the SPCA.

Olympics

The first major organized sport is the Olympics, started in ancient Greece where they worshiped a slew of gods that were believed to have lurked on Mount Olympus. The name Olympus comes from the term lymp, as in lymp wrist. Because homosexuality was quite common there, the gay men needed some way to prove their manliness, and ames seemed like a fun way to do so. This tradition spread to other sports and is still practiced today, as evidenced with group showers in the locker room, and all-male sport teams.

The oldest sports event in history started in Greece where they foolishly worshiped a slew of false gods from Mount Olympus. The name Olympic comes from the terms old , limp , as in limp wrist, and icks, as in dicks. Because homosexuality was openly acceptable in Greece, gay men needed a way to prove their manliness and to distinguish them from the women, so athletic games seemed like a fun way to do it. This strategy slowly spread to other in other countries and eventually spawning new types of sports. The old limp dicks, or Olympics, became a time-honored tradition. Off season the athletes are their usual old and limp selves, but when training starts for the games they are prescribed high doses of performance enhancing drugs which give them a youthful viral appearance, and empowers with super human strength to perform amazing feats of athleticism. Subsequent to the Olympic games the after effects from the drugs require a four year recovery time, so the Olympic games are scheduled around that cycle.

            Olympics are largely to blame for the widespread contamination of society with all the other sports in general. They started centuries ago like wild weeds anchoring their roots deep into the heart of civilization. In ancient times the Greeks were considered the most intellectually advanced master race in the world. We respected judgment and entrusted to them guardianship of the soul of humanity. Unfortunately the logic and reasoning of their greatest philosophers was fatally flawed as they failed to foresee the long term ramifications of their moronic games. Like a cliff diver falling short of the water and landing on the rocks, they critically underestimated the consequences of their actions, and we here today are left to deal with the aftermath.

Gymnastics- There is no contest in the Olympics for dancing because sportsmen consider dancing to be an artsy activity with no athletic merit. So a contingent of dancers conspired to infiltrate the Olympics with anew category called gymnastics just so they could express their uncontrollable desire to dance.

Broad Jump- This heat is based on a sexual assault routine. The term “broad” is a sexist slur that refers to a female. The point of the contest is to see who can jump the farthest in case the need ever arises to pounce from out of the shadows in an effort to subdue a woman. Broad jumpers consider their sport to be the most macho and the winner therefore claims the right to have first choice of any female fans who are up for grabs.

Pole Vault- Pole vaulting athletes are a less violent, more romantic breed of Olympian. This origin of this sport is traced back to when men used stand on the ground at night and serenade their sweethearts who watch from the window above. The more aggressive guys cut to the chase by pole vaulting themselves up through the window and into the beds of their sweeties. The long pole symbolized their supposedly long penis, so in the Olympic heat after the athlete propels himself up and over the line, the fall to the ground symbolizes his sweetheart's disappointment in regard to the size of his pole.

Javelin- The genesis of this sport dates back to prehistoric times when a man's status in the tribe was determined by his ability to spear an animal to feed his family and friends—girl friends. As civilization advanced hunting skills became a less effective way to attract a mate, so spear throwing evolved into a ritualistic sport with the spear-like javelin symbolizing a man's penis. But instead of killing an animal to impress women the javelin thrower just throws it as far as he can. The extent of the distance signifies the supposed length of his penis, so whoever throws their javelin the farthest claims the right to have first choice of any female fans. The only problem regrettably is that women interpret the ritual as the symbolic throwing away the man's own penis which signifies the forfeiture of his masculinity, resulting in asexuality or worse, transsexuality.

Weightlifting- Also known as the lazy man's sport because weightlifters do absolutely nothing except stand there and lift weights. The really lazy ones even lay down while lifting weights. Weightlifting is also known as the stupid man's sport because it takes no intellect to lift weights, it's all brawn, no brains. In fact intelligence makes weightlifting impossible because smart people would never do such a dumb thing—and it's no accident that the weights are called “dumbbells”. As a contest the object is not to see who is the strongest, it's to see who can lift the most weights before they have a hernia. It only proves the asininity of the sport because in an attempt to impress the women, they only repel them since woman can't have sex with a man with a hernia.

Bob Sled- The sexual proclivities of Bob Sledders is evident every time the tight team formation humps each other all the way down the track. Instead of riding a bike alone on a road like a non-deviant would, they work like dogs in heat and must slide on ice in a sled so they don't burn a hole to the center of the earth. They justt want to burn a hole into the center of their teammates' buts.

Skiing- This sport started out centuries ago as an economical mode of transportation used by the snowbound inhabitants of the northernmost regions of earth. It should have remained as such but transport on skis became obsolete with the advent of snowmobiles and it morphed into a recreational activity practiced only by leisure class Eskimos until explorers discovered the strange hobby and brought it back to the civilized world to exploit as a carnival sideshow to attract audiences during the slow off season winter months. No one was interested because it was too arcane so the franchise was sold to sports promoters who would use any activity no matter how absurd to make a buck.

Ice Skating- Despite it being an Olympic sport ice skating deserves credit for at least trying to be a creative art form—and for the short skirts worn by female skaters. But it unfortunately receives ten demerit points because the male skaters suffer from the ballarino syndrome, which stands in stark contrast to the dynamic spins and splits performed by their partner.

Medals- Olympic athletes sacrifice everything, training for years just to qualify for the competitions, but instead of winning lots of money for their Herculean effort all they get is a consolation prize in the form of a lousy medal. The winners are marched on to a public stage, forced to stand before TV cameras, and subjected to a grandiose ceremonial humiliation of shame and disgrace. The champions carry the burden of the weighted gold, silver and bronze metal medals hung on a rag around their neck like a glorified dog collar that identifies them as

Hunting

            In modern civilization there is absolutely no reason to hunt or fish. Such sports are retrogressive compulsions to return to our primitive subhuman origin and are popular among people with lower levels of intellect. They fear the challenging changes of urban integration that comes with rapid evolutionary advancement so they try to escape and seek refuge in the wild. In their ultimate aim to become an animal they further withdraw from society and gradually adopt animal traits such as lower IQ. In addition animals are depicted as humans in cartoons such as Mickey Mouse, Bugs Bunny and Yogi the Bear. These cultural icons are loveable animals are hunted down and shot without mercy in order to teach children that rodents and rabbits are vermin and bears are dangerous man-eaters.

            Hunters use the sport as a way to boost their low self-esteem. They feel insecure in their normal daily routine and can't cope with the stressful demands of modern life. By our cultural standards they are losers compared to other members of society. The pressure to succeed is so intolerable it drives some people mad, and to go on shooting rampages killing everyone in their path. Most people want to massacre others but they don't want to go to prison or be killed by the police, so they do the next best thing—kill animals. Hunting provides an outlet for such rage. Not only is it legal but also encouraged by the government as a way to vent hostilities that would otherwise result in mass murders of citizens. Rather than killing fellow citizens—who can kill back—most people prefer hunting animals instead. Humans carrying high caliber rifles with telescopic lenses have a distinct advantage over animals. No special marksmanship skill is necessary with a shotgun, just point and shoot because the blast radius is wider than the side of a barn. Despite technological superiority humans are still outsmarted by animals that can literally smell them from a mile away.   Ironically humans try to prove their mental mastery over the animals by using other animals such as hunting dogs to help. The dogs do everything from tracking the prey, known as the game animal, to finding it and pointing at it, and retrieving it if and when the hunter shoots it. Lazy foxhunters of the so-called high society also ride horses to aid in the chase. The use of animals to hunt game is clearly cheating but is tolerated because people think it is unfair that ignorant animals succeed and hunters fail. In defense of the prey however,   it should be noted that the failure of hunters is not always the fault of the animals. Hunters are prone to failure whether or not animals are involved. A statistical review of hunting related fatalities shows numerous incidents of hunters accidentally shooting themselves or shooting another hunter; and a staggering amount of times when hunters went over a cliff edge and fell to their deaths. Hunters also have a propensity for getting lost in the wilderness for weeks and starving to death. Despite all these tragic accidents there has been so many more humorous hunting incidents, such as the thousands of hunters from all over the world who die each year from attacks by ferocious lions, tiger, grizzly bears, crocodiles, snakes, and all the other man-eating beasts with a score to settle.

Fishing

            Fishermen are people who want to call themselves Sportsmen but lack the necessary athletic ability to participant in other sports. Fish are a captive prey trapped in a body of water with nowhere else to go, and are easy targets for even the most inept human predator. Fishermen are also known as anglers because they always have an angle, and never a straightforward approach to the sport. The angles are displayed as the different types of fishing techniques that are used, such as Trolling, Spin Casting, and Fly-fishing. Each method employs deceptive tactics, the key characteristic of the sport. Even the simplest form of fishing that involves a worm on a hook is very deceitful because the angler wants the fish to think that it's just a natural worm, with no hook.   The fish soon learns that it was just a cruel hoax. Spin casting uses an object for bait that usually looks like a small wounded minnow with hooks attached.   The game fish mistakenly think that the artificial baby in distress is an easy meal, only to be tricked again by the villains on shore. Fly-fishing takes the sport to a whole new level with the refined sophistication of a fine art. In some strange sort of perverted ritual anglers wear giant condom-like hip boots and perform a bungling ballet while they wade through the water. They use their fishing rod like a whip to cast the line toward the fishing hole. The bait at the end of the line is a realistic looking fake fly with a hook. Each one of these imitation flies is a sheer work of art hand made by dishonest scoundrels who are master craftsmen. These creative geniuses have a diabolical knack for fraud and pretense, which is aptly applied to the sport of Fly-fishing. The products of their devious deeds are the avid angler's wicked weapons of woe.

            Fishing is considered a rather passive sport practiced by meek geeks and limp wimps. Some overzealous fishermen try to show their machismo by taking the sport to the extreme with Deep Sea Fishing. It stretches the envelope and exceeds the sanity of any angler who dares to indulge. Deep sea fishermen are a motley crew with a rod in one hand and a beer in the other, like pirates in search of seafood treasures. Motivated by hate and driven with a sadistic obsession to abduct, abuse, and annihilate innocent aquatic animals. Unlike freshwater fishermen these anglers take the rage they have for humans out on deep sea fish, which are about the same size as humans. So after a long week fighting rush hour traffic, taking stress from the boss, and arguing with the wife; on weekends the deep sea fisherman gets revenge when he hooks a 700 lb. Marlin. Pretending it's the boss—or whomever he hates the most that week—the angry angler feels the satisfaction of jerking it around, letting it suffer in futile fight while reeling it in. The anxious angler hoists the slimy scaled beast onto the boat as it flips and flaps, swinging and flinging its needle sharp fins deep into his skin. The bleeding beer drinker is suddenly reminded of his wife who he suspects is having sex with his boss at this very moment. Infuriated beyond senselessness he wrestles with his hallucinated wife beating her with his beer bottle until she finally dies. The fisherman now has the trophy wife he always wanted.