Loose Canon Wins War Of Words Despite Shooting His Mouth Off

After primaries a mass of followers are still behind the frontrunner.

Soon after the celebrity slumlord-turned president gave a rousing speech ranting about all the illegal immigrant rapists and murderers who work at his hotels, a Mexican hit squad stormed into the lobby of Trump Tower and opened fire on a cardboard replica decoy of Mr.Trump, as the real McCoy ducked into a nearby janitor's closet -- where he forthwith soiled his trousers. His signature tie however, remained unscathed.

While rummaging through the archives in the basement of the New York City Department of Public Health an anonymous file clerk discovered the authentic certifcate of birth for one Donald T. Rump.

Kerry Warns Rexxon To Back Off

Former Secretary of State John Kerry renounced his U.S. citizenship and fled to Afghanistan to rendezvous with a cadre of radical extremists to form an elite terrorist cell called Zeal Team 5.

The new start-up is bankrolled by Saudi Arabian venture capitalists who expect substantial dividends from a Holy War over the burgeoning heroin market.

President Trump meanwhile reiterated that the United States does not negotiate with terrorists, but in this case he can't resist.

Lucifer's Law Upheld

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled in favor of abortion rights and wrongs because unborn fetuses are not yet people. The justices sited similar cases comparing unwanted pregnacies to early stage start-up incubators. When fledgling enterprizes fail to raise sufficent VC funds for an IPO, they relinquish their right to be corporations. Since only a corporation can have the same rights as people do, then it logically follows that only people, not fetuses, can have the same right to life as corporations do -- much less in the case of capital punishment, which the high court also uphelp --except in the case of corporations.

Mexican Drug Lord Sentenced To Freedom

The notorious Mexican drug cartel CEO Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman was condemned to spend the remainder of his life in freedom. The groveling gangster threw himself upon the mercy of the court and threw money at the judge.

While in prison Guzman coped with lonely isolation by exchanging letters with pen pal Sean Penn. The bond between the two celebraties became so great that immediately upon his release they both had their right hands surgically conjoined as a token of their friendship.

Bill Gates Reluctantly Donates His Most Prized Possession

In a move to end all the ills of the world in one fell swoop former Microsoft CEO and philanthropist Bill Gates made the ultimate sacrifice by relinquishing his left testicle and redistributing it among the poor

Muhammad Ali Torture Yields Confession

Former boxer Muhammad Ali was abducted by Interrogators and forced him to divulge his plot to crash a single-engine Piper Cub airplane into Madison Square Garden. He was then awarded a consolation prize and sent home.

NBA Draft Selects Obama

In the latest round of NBA draft picks the Chicago Bulls signed Barak Obama to a five year multimillion dollar contract. With the exception of his high IQ, he met all the criteria for player eligibility - tall, black, and lanky. He was chosen above many more qualified players simply because Bull's General Manager feared for his life.

For Obama, the pick was his well-earned reward for eight long years of training night and day on the basketball court in the basement of the White House. Nevertheless the rookie point guard will be benched for the duration of his five year stint.

One Giant Step Backard For Mankind

The NASA Mission Control staff cheered with high fives and hugs after the successful launch of the first manned space flight to the sun where astronauts will land and extinguish the raging inferno.

The 3-man crew aboard a Russian built Soviet era Sputnik 2 rocket was shanghaied from a rural Florida bar under the auspices of an all-expense paid (one-way) trip to Disney World. The ruse is necessary to maintain high morale for the duration of the suicide mission.

The historic expedition was undertaken as a last ditch effort to mitigate the impact of global warming — before a coronal mass ejection hurls astronomical plasma clouds of thermonuclear radiation toward Earth and burns the planet into a charred cinder ball.

The Wrong Stuff

The fate of humanity rests in the hands of three unikely heros whose unique mental and physical characteristics make them ideally suited to cope with the challenges they face on the surface of the sun.

All three are deaf, dumb, and blind, so they can easily ignore the harrowing dangers that will eventually kill them. And their distinctly lackluster public personae may even elicit a national celebration — especially if they suffer a particularly hideous death.

For more informaton:

http://science.nasa.gov/science-news/science-at-nasa/2014/23jul_superstorm

Their epitaph shall read:
Commander Zachery Smith, Petty Officer 3rd Class John Glen Beck, and Tail Gunner Joe McCarthief (code name: The 3 Stooges)
 
BILL & HILL SPECIAL

They're back!
Two of the most popular action figures together again in this exclusve collectors' edition made by the leading brand of adult toys in America.

The darling double doll set is here in a 2-for-1 sale.
That's right, buy a Hill and get a Bill absolutely free.

The special offer was announced by Clintco, the Arkansas law firm spun off from Walletmart in a 1998 divestiture due to lacklustre sales of their Monica model.

The all new fully loaded models that come with extra functions and features. Now that gay marriage is legal you can mix and match Bill & Hill with Ken & Barbie without guilt and shame. Innovative open orifices enable interactive intercourse. Just insert coins and watch them fornicate.

  • Stylish lightweight disposable tissue paper clothing
  • Genuine artificial diamond-studed eyeballs
  • Realistic looking 14 carot gold-plated fingernails
  • Opulant imitation pearl teeth and eyeballs
  • Impressive solid plastic parts
  • Rubber-coated
  • Made from 100% recycled high quality fecal waste

The company is advertising the exclusive one-day sales event well in advance to give folks plenty of time to save up enough money to purchase the over-priced product. George Soros type customers may pre-order the merchandise online. Others can put the item on lay away, like Bill did with Monica.

The Bill and Hill duo is Clintco's flagship product. Each unit is hastily handcrafted by low cost laborers in far-flung foriegn sweat shops to make you, the stockholder, more money.